And if they don't like that, they're ultimately not someone you want in your life, Birkel says. Once you've set your boundaries firmly, hold to them. "Don't go in innocently thinking everything's going to be fine-because you're going to be disappointed."
And to protect yourself, she suggests being prepared to face some pushback from this person-the whole point of self-absorption is that they generally won't have your back, and it'll probably take some convincing to get them to budge. Make your communication clear and cogent, Neo notes, taking time to plan your script beforehand if necessary. So that might mean directly telling them how their behavior makes you feel or asking for a different dynamic when you spend time together.
You want to frame the goal for yourself to get clear on what your boundaries are for yourself," Birkel says.īoundaries are key, he says, "So when you're with that person, you continue to have a voice and say what you need and want even if they're not happy about it." It might upset them in the moment, but in the long run, it's healthier for both people in the relationship to express themselves. "You don't want the goal to be making someone less self-centered. You can suggest therapy, but ultimately the work is their own to do. The hard truth is there isn't much you can do to help someone be less self-absorbed. And that can really chip away at someone's self-esteem and cause someone to internalize that blame, he adds. If you describe someone as self-obsessed, you are criticizing them for spending too much time thinking about themselves or their own problems. When it gets particularly toxic, you may even start to "tiptoe around the other person's emotions and take responsibility or blame for how the other person is feeling," he says. These are all hallmarks of a one-sided friendship. "If they're making all the decisions, over time you lose a sense of what you want, what you like, and who you are," he adds. This, Birkel explains, can lead to someone losing their own sense of self and even doubting their reality. And in the case of someone good at masking, because they know what to say, you can question whether they're truly self-absorbed. Not only do interactions with a person like this drain your energy, but you don't feel listened to or seen, she adds. "You dread the interaction before, during, and after." "It's exhausting, like someone's stealing your energy," Neo says. There's no doubt that spending time with someone who's self-absorbed, whether a lover or friend, takes a negative toll.